God Abandoning Earth

December 11, 2014 09:47 – 09:47

After 4.54 billion years, God proclaimed last night that he is abandoning Earth. “I designed it so that it would be self-sustaining, supporting up to 10 billion people, but things have gotten out of hand,” God told Barbara Walters in an interview aired on ABC. “I keep intervening, but evil bastards keep fucking things up” said God. “It’s like the Lego set from hell.”

“Is it okay for God to say ‘Fucking’?” the startled Walters asked.

“Just a minute,” said God. “I’ll ask me…” Nodding, God exclaimed “Fuck yeah!”

“Was there a last straw?” asked Walters. “A single event that pushed you over the edge?”

“Not a single event,” replied God. “It’s a bunch of things, really. All those terrorists who keep saying they’re killing and torturing in my name… they’re part of it.”

“You mean Muslim extremists?” asked Walters.

“Well, them, too, I guess,” answered God. “But, I said ‘All’ those terrorists. Bullies just latch onto whatever religious label is culturally handy and say they’re acting for me. Bullshit. Look, lady. I’m God. If I want somebody killed or tortured—I’ll do it myself—I don’t need anybody’s help.”

“You said terrorists are part of it” said Walters. “Anything else?”

“Shit yeah!” proclaimed God. “Pollution, waste, racism, greed, vegemite, nuclear weapons, people who say ‘nucular’ and who confuse your and you’re… There’s a long long list. I’ve had it. I’m going to create a parallel dimension and start over.”

“Will Earth survive without you?” Walters asked.

“I guess we’ll see, but I doubt it” replied God. “I’ll check back in 100,000 years, and if things haven’t gotten any better, I’ll destroy Earth and use the parts for something else… maybe a golf course.”

“How will you destroy Earth?” asked Walters.

“I’m thinking I’ll do it with a giant wrecking ball” God replied “being ridden by a naked pop singer.”

 

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